Death to All!

I write this at 12 AM, on the day of the beast: 6/6/06 (woooo!). I write this for a number of reasons; I havn't blogged in a long time; so I can remember what I'm thinking/feeling right now; and so you may learn from my experence.

Today was one of "those" days. The days where at the end of it you don't feel like you've lived your life purpose. I guess to understand "those" days, you must understand "the" days. The days where, when your going go sleep at night, your feeling "I did exactly what I want to do today, and I feel fantastic about it". Today was one of those days where I felt a near opposite of that. I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't become more of who I wanted to be. I didn't do alot of things. What I did do is a bit more importance for how I am feeling right now, and have felt before but never with such energy.

I started off my day with a ugly start. My alarm went off and I decided to ignor it. Last night I made the stupid mistake to stay away to watch my addiction; TV. I then slept through my alarm and said "ah fuck it". Eventualy 9 AM rolled through and there was no way I could make it for PE. Whoa, whoa, whoa; let's back track it a little bit. Last monday; I slept in and missed PE. Tuesday; I slept in and missed PE. Wednesday I went to school. Thursday; I missed school and did nothing. Friday; I missed school and but had quasi-fun. Saturday; bit more fun. Sunday; not a whole lot of living. Monday; no living what so ever. Now to the present. I missed school and I don't feel bad or wrong about that. (Funny I say that since bad and wrong and points of view) But I wonder what I am going to do.

I want to be the change I wish to see in this world, but I'm playing self-defeating games before I even get onto the warrior path. Let's own up to some fact. The highest MATH I have is gr. 7. The highest science I have is SCIENCE 9, which I only passed with a Standing Granted (the teacher is a nice guy. The highest English I have is english 9. I'm where I'm suposed to be with Socials, but if we looked at this objectivly, someone would say I'm screwed. I again played some more self defeating games in January and signed up for ACTING 12, FILM & TELEVISION 11, and PE Conditioning, with a spare. I was "intending" to do corrispondence to catch up, but I have made little effort to do so. I got the papers signed and everything, but now I lost them. It's a semester later and I have nothing to show. I wonder what I am going to do. I am no-where. Here and now? I don't feel so.

Where is this 'Confident Determined' man with a purpose. All I see is a self-sabotaging kid who is no where near being noble. This same self defeating game of kicking myself before success comes into play again. Yet, I wish to see the change in myself I want to become. I don't feel like I've accomplished somthing, or anything. And where is my support, my brothers and sisters who'll help me up. No idea. I know a few are on the island, but I've become so sullen I havn't let anyone in, nor do I feel comfortbale to do so. To the ones I love I feel uncomfortable to open up to. Yes, now my strengths have become MY weakness.

Now after all this venting and unleashing, where am I. What to do next? My plan was to do summer school for English 10. 6 Weeks of that and I can own up to my failure. If that puts me on course there, I can do English 11 first semester, English 12 in the second. I can do Science 10 first semester, Bio 11 in the second. This "math" and "planning" thing seem to be the biggest problem. I could do it by corrispondence like I originaly planned, but I would have 4 years of math to do in 1. (Not impossible, but the wall looked high). If that plan worked, I would graduate next year on time. I could leave high school behind and start to move on. High school, like this house, has felt like a barrier for me to hide behind. I've never been able to take responsability for my actions, and my dreams. I feel that in order for me to grow I have to leave, and live. I've accepted I can always go to post-secondary after. But the new train of thought is; is this really the last year of Carson Graham for me?

I'm starting to think of other alternatives. If I choose to do the Lucas Center, all the other crap, and joys, of school would be out of the way for me to focus on my education and finaly get my damn diploma and graduate. Unfortunatly, all this other stuff keeps poping into my mind; gradutating. The grad class events, the prom, the stage, the year book. It all keeps poping into my mind as somthing I might regret. Somthing I wish I should of done. I have no idea if I will feel that way, but it is bugging the heck out of me. These questions of "is this an extremly important time of my life" and "will this matter when I'm the suposed leader I'm made out to be". I look at my friend who have graduated and are out there in the 'real world'; none of it seems important to them because there life is different and they've moved on. They have families, new friends and a new life. I know I can have the same but it still comes back to this question of the "GRAD CLASS". Am I stressed over what people will think of me? Not really. But I am questioning what I will feel over it all. It's time for me to start seriously thinking about what OldManRivers really wants. I've learned that what we want, and what we truly want, clash. I want to live life, but I want stay at Carson. But now I think "Dustin Rivers, big picture, what do you want in life?". Now theres a question worth anwsering. This part of my life is really challenging, but everything is difficult until it becomes easy.


Q: Dustin Rivers, big picture what do you want more of in your life?
A: Life.

(I think I have my awnser)